My new neighbors…

28 May

are effing strange.

The dad is kind of like this: The mom kind of makes me want to do this:

First of all when they moved in, they used a U-haul. That’s totally fine if you have moved hundreds of miles away. Not these folks, they moved from less than thirty miles away. I question their lack of friend/family help. The only two adults I have seen moving anything are the couple who are to reside in the dwelling. Where are the pickup trucks of friends and family helping to move them out of obligation and with the lure of free pizza and beer?

Where the hell are they? That is how we moved locally in the midwest; we don’t rent U-hauls for short distances. Do they not know anyone with a pickup? If that is the case, they won’t fit in here very long. Do they not have any friends or family? This is cause for alarm seeing as how they are from the area. Did they kill them and put them in Rubbermaid tubs? Is that why they needed a U-haul, for the Rubbermaid tub/coffin room?

Seriously though, they are weird. Read on.

This afternoon I was working on my front porch with my potted plants and the new neighbor lady was sitting in a chair in the driveway watching her kids ride their bikes in the street. Okay, cool, whatever. I am digging away in one pot and she turns her head my direction, so I wave because I am not a mutant. Bitch sees me wave and immediately turns her head away from my direction.

OH NO SHE DIDN’T!

This was a huge mistake for a multitude of reasons.  When I met her husband last week, he was rather friendly, but odd. Please see first photo for his cartoon persona. He informed me of a few things, first being that they homeschool their kids, that was around the time my eyeballs fell out of my freaking head; their son is terrified of dogs, which is around the time I start internally laughing; and that they don’t believe women should work outside of the home, which is exactly the moment Gidget takes a dump in their yard.

Now, having all of this somewhat intimate knowledge of their family, I clearly have the upper hand in the bitchball game.  I am certain that she is unaware of the pot of shit she has stirred. I don’t take kindly to rude people. I was being friendly, which isn’t something to be taken lightly. She could have easily waved back. It wasn’t as if I was forcing awkward neighborly conversation, because eww, that’s uncomfortable for me too. She didn’t wave back and there are clearly only two reasons for this a. she has arm paralysis or b. she’s a snooty bitch.  Guess which one is more likely?

Anyway, the current plan is to kill her with kindness and blog about her subsequent bitchiness at every attempt, let my dogs play in the front yard when I am outside with them and let them out back with their kids are playing on their swingset. (Disclaimer: my dogs love children and would never hurt them).

So this real public school teacher, who loathes rudeness, and her three dogs will have a very entertaining summer to say the least. Stay tuned!

P.S. Being rude is entirely different than being direct or honest. I will post on that at a later date.

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