And here it comes

19 Apr

So my cousin, my oldest cousin, is expecting her third child. She’s five years older than me. Her oldest is almost 11.  I am thrilled for them. They are successful in their careers and they have a stable life.

Here’s what I am not thrilled about. Everyone and their goddamn brother asking me when I am going to have a baby.  Or better yet, when I am holding my sweet little niece, people saying, “Oh a baby looks good on you, Liz,” or “You need one of those.” I say, “Yeah, but I can give her back to my sister when starts wailing or projectile vomiting.”

When people say stupid shit like that, I want to snap. I seriously want my head to do a 360 degree spin, like in Alien and then I want to mouth punch them. Here are a few reasons why I feel this way:

a.) It’s no one’s goddamn business on whether I procreate or not. No one gets a say but me and maybe my husband. Maybe.

b.) I teach kids for a living. A meager living. Not enough to support children in a way with which I would be comfortable.

c.) I have a 30 year old man-child, whom I love, but he is enough for me to handle.

d.) I like to sleep in. Kids don’t.

e.) Babies cry and shit their pants. I don’t like crying or shitty pants, one reason I don’t teach Kindergarten.

f.) I like to spend my meager living on me. I like shoes, clothes, and electronics. Diapers and school supplies aren’t cool ways to spend my money.

g.) I don’t want to be pregnant. I don’t want stretch marks. I don’t want to get fat. I don’t want a parasite for nine months. Doesn’t that sound gross?

h.) Kids are always up in your business. Forget adult conversations when they are present. I like adult conversations.

i.) Kids are pains in the ass. They make life harder. My life is hard enough. Whose isn’t?

j.) I like being able to have sex any time I want without being quiet or scheduling around nap times.  I also like being naked in my living room. Kids ask too many damn questions about nudity.

k.) I hate crayons.

Now, in fairness I have had moments of weakness when I have wanted a baby.  I admit it. I have not had those urges in a long time, especially since my sister had my niece. Have you seen that shit? It’s fucking disgusting.  No, it’s not beautiful, it’s not a miracle. It’s biology; icky, icky biology.  I am an English teacher for a reason, okay?

I am not some kid-hating psycho, I just choose not to taint my home with them. Oh, and I don’t care to trip over Tonka trucks/Legos/baby dolls.

Off to take my pill,

E

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3 Responses to “And here it comes”

  1. ecsh2381 19/04/2011 at 19:43 #

    Hey! People, leave me comments!

  2. Conni 20/04/2011 at 08:11 #

    This made me giggle…and wonder…did I utter the forbidden words on Sunday when you were holding Allison? I don’t think I did, but sometimes I do have what I call diarrhea of the mouth; before my brain can stop them, the words come flowing out of my mouth! I think it’s great that you KNOW you don’t want kids and I can think of many parents that probably should have thought a little longer and harder about whether or not they should reproduce…not that I don’t think you would be a good mother, I do! I’ve seen you with Allison, and you are great with her! Before that, I watched you with the other kids when they were little (especially Sam!) and you were always playing with them, holding them. So, would I be shocked if you changed your mind? No. Am I going to try to help you change it? No. I do love babies, but it really doesn’t affect me one way or the other if you decide to have one of your own or not. If you are happy with your children of the four-legged variety, then so am I! By the way, I think your blogs are hilarious…I choose to think that they are mostly whimsical exaggerations of what you truly feel, and I love that you don’t seem to hold anything back! Keep ’em coming, they make me laugh. Oh, and I’ve been meaning to ask you, when do you think you and Zac might start a family, hhhmmmmmmmmm????

    • ecsh2381 20/04/2011 at 09:39 #

      No, Conni, it wasn’t you. There was an offender there, however.
      I appreciate you taking the time to read the blog and I am thrilled you are enjoying it. Yes, these are things I really feel and it’s frowned upon when I speak the thoughts aloud.

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